Letting go
by Icefelis
Summary: 2 new chapters! Tomoyo lost her husband soon after her marriage. But he isn't gone; he is haunting her, touching her, isolating her. First her dreams, then her real life. Is she truly haunted, or is her mind collapsing? Who can help her? TouyaxTomoyo
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.

Hello all! So I've decided to rewrite this fic to make it better. It'll probably be my last CCS fanfic, as the series seems quite dead now. Nonetheless, I had to finish this project.

I would like to thank everyone who reviewed the past version. Hopefully, if you're still around, you'll like this version too.

"**Letting go"**

**Prologue**

"You may now kiss the bride." Applause rose from the crowd, cheers and whistles blending in a joyous celebration while cameras flashed, immortalizing the moment. She looked up at her husband lovingly, the warm sunlight creating a halo behind him.

"I love you. I'll be forever with you, no matter what." Warm blue eyes held hers, tenderness and love shining in their depth. Feelings rose in her chest, a bubble of love, longing and happiness expanding through her, threatening to burst out of her body.

This was their day, their special day. They would be husband and wife, would live together, and would have children. It was the beginning of their new life.

Blood blossomed on her husband's pristine white button up shirt, staining his chest red. The young woman gasped softly, reaching out hesitantly towards her husband, who continued to smile to her tenderly.

"Your shirt…" She breathed out, her eyes flickering between the growing stain and loving blue eyes. Did he not see the stain? Where was it coming from? How could this be?

Thin red rivers fell down the corner of his lips, more blood seeping from his ears and eyes in rivulets. The bride gasped, horrified, reaching a shaking hand to touch the warm fluid on her husband's skin, who smiled wider, showing blood stained teeth.

"Forever, my love." He whispered hoarsely.

Twenty one year old Tomoyo woke up in sweat, eyes snapping wide open. Her eyes shone wetly, glazed and unseeing.

Half a year.

Six months.

One hundred and eighty seven days.

He was gone.

_Gone._

Forever.

January 14th.

She squeezed her eyes shut, biting down on her lower lip until she felt the skin break, fighting to keep the whimpers and the sobs in. The attempt was in vain and tears escaped from her closed lids, streaming down her cheeks.

According to the date, it was now one hundred and eighty eight days.


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.**

_**Chapter 1**_

Tomoyo opened the door slowly. Her movements were sluggish, as was her mind. The mezzo cup of Starbuck coffee she held in one hand did nothing to increase her energy, nor her willingness to face a new day. Dark sunglasses covered her eyes and the tiredness they showed, dark circles marring otherwise flawless porcelain skin.

The bells jiggled softly, the noise still too loud and unpleasant for the young widow, who pressed her lips together to maintain the barely there upturn of the lips she hoped to pass as a smile.

The door closed behind her with a whoosh as she moved towards the counter.

Blind to her surroundings, she lowered her eyes to the floor as she walked, her dream replaying itself behind her closed lids.

Half a dream.

Half a memory.

She had married him in that church, where his parents had married. Her mother had not approved of the choice, wanting a bigger wedding for her daughter, but this was what they had wanted. They had wished for only their friends and families to witness their union, to see them joining in love. And so, her mother had caved.

Seeing it again, be it in a dream, was bittersweet. But seeing this memory marred by such a horrible interpretation of the happy events that occurred that day was so much more unbearable.

Seeing her loving husband again, but this time covered in blood…

It was all a mere resounding of her tortured psyche and aching heart.

Nothing unusual, really.

It was too normal for her these days. It made up her nights, and the echo of what she saw when she closed her eyes tormented her during the days.

Pain did not fade with time.

It was a lie.

Pain blossomed and fed off of someone until there was nothing left but dry and brittle pieces of a broken heart.

A broken body.

A broken soul.

It was a parasite that feeds and grows, draining the host painstakingly. It kills slowly and drives people to unimaginable ends.

She blinked, the dream she had had the night before replaying itself again and again in her mind.

Her beloved's eyes.

His promise of forever.

The blood twisting the happy memory.

The memories brought back the pricking sensation in her stomach and the nausea from her dreams. A hand landed on her shoulder, giving a gentle squeeze as questioning eyes came into view.

She stiffened a little and plastered a fake but convincing smile on her face.

The world had not stopped, but continued on lazily, unaware, unchanged.

Like it, she had to be on her way, had to keep breathing, had to flow.

Just breathe.

She pulled air in her lungs and after a pause, let it go slowly. The throbbing did not cease, nor did it disappear, but it receded. The hurt became glossed over, the rough edge still poking her, but her heart too numb to feel it.

She looked up slowly, gluing the smile on her face with sheer will alone and met the concerned eyes of her best friend. She was bended over the glass counter awkwardly, perched on her toes in order to reach her.

Emerald pools of tenderness and love cut straight to her soul, making her waver in her efforts to keep whole, to be what was expected of her.

"Tomoyo, are you alright? You could always have ..." The auburn-haired girl trailed off, unsure, one hand combing her friends' long black hair over her bony shoulder. She pulled her closer gently, bending even more over the counter to peer deeply into the widow's eyes.

Sakura had changed, the widow had to admit.

Sakura had grown more perceptive, more mature with the passing of time, never losing her purity, but now able to use it to cut through illusions and better see the aching truth. She could now see shades of grey, instead of the black and white of childhood. Nevertheless, the sorceress had never lost this stunning ability of reaching out for people's soul, and tearing them out of the abyss, or the darkness.

If only her friend could be her savior, as when they were children.

If only with one move of her wand, she could bring back what she had lost, erase her pain, or fill the gaping void in her soul.

"No, no... It's okay Sakura..." She forced out. Maybe if others could believe it, she could also. Maybe the key to being better would be to pretend she was better.

"Are you sure?" She nodded, smile still in place. She could see the young woman was not convinced, far from it, but she let it go.

Her best friend gave her a cheerful and encouraging smile and went to see the new customer of the clothing shop she worked at. Tomoyo looked at the clothing surrounding her, all last season clothing, not replaced as it should have been.

The shop was falling apart. Onlookers couldn't see it, but she could.

Tomoyo had been getting the necessary education to take over her mother's business, as the businesswoman had wished. It had never been truly her ambition, but her respect and love for her mother had guaranteed that she would do as the later wished.

This had been her personal project, her chance to have something of her own, not founded by her mother's fortune. She had built "Madison's closet" from the ground, using the money she had earned while working for her mom to buy and renovate the decrepit building, to hire employees, get the materials. She had done everything. It had been her chance at independence, at building a life outside of the one decided by her mother.

A mere hobby.

A passing fancy according to her mother.

She was letting it go, as the older woman had always wanted. She had not drawn new clothing since her husband's death, had not touched the paperwork. Soon, she would bring it into the ground.

She wasn't sure she cared.

The thought would have been chilling at another time.

Not anymore.

Sakura was the only one keeping it afloat at this moment. She had wanted to involve herself in her best friend's personal project and had forced herself into the driver's seat when it had become apparent the distressed dark-haired woman was not in any state to take care of it and herself at the same time. She was the one running things to the best of her abilities, but she was not equipped to deal with the demands this business involved.

Sakura herself had stopped for a year her schooling to heal from her painful separation with Syaoran and carefully choose the path she would take. The young sorcerer had come back for a while, going through high school with them under the pretense of keeping an eye on the card mistress while she gained control of her newfound powers. However, once his mission done, he had been forced to leave and rejoin the clan, in order to attend to his duties as the sole male heir.

Thus, he had left her once more, left her with a broken heart in order to take the head of the Li clan, as he was destined all along. However, he had not forgotten her. He had left with a mission, a mission commissioned by the heart this time, to get the Elders' agreement to make Sakura his wife.

There was no doubt in the young widow's head that the agreement would not be too long to come. The Clow cards, now Sakura cards, had always been a source of power the clan coveted. A chance to get them in their clutch was too good to pass up. Sakura Kinomoto would become Sakura Li, and would bring with her the precious power of the cards. She would also bring her own powers, which would be passed on to the children reared from this union.

Sakura had taken his leaving harder than before, pain weighting heavily on her soul, dimming her light noticeably to anyone around her. Childhood had passed, taking with it blind hope and leaving behind reason and doubts. Friends and family had done whatever they could to cheer her up, to see that sparkle in her eyes again. How many nights had they spent in front of the TV with ice cream, cookies and cake?

At Tomoyo's husband death, the roles had been reversed, Sakura holding her as she cried, letting her fall asleep in her soothing embrace. She had been the one to ensure she kept on eating, living, being.

She watched as her friend greeted a costumer, immediately endearing herself to the young girl. She was grateful, and admired this new Sakura, blossoming into a surprising, gentle, strong and powerful woman. She was the one who had carried her through the harshest moments.

The thoughts merged together to create a bittersweet feeling, weighting on her heart, and she shook her head slightly to dispel it. It would do no good to think of these first moments, to think of the first night at the hospital, the first night alone in their home.

It had happened.

Nothing could have been done.

He had loved her so much, her gentle lover. He would have wanted her to be happy, to move on with her life. But she couldn't be happy, too haunted by him still, the dreams too vivid.

"Sakura, I'm sorry, I have to go. I will come back later." She left the shop without waiting for a reply. The auburn-haired woman turned to watch her friend leave the shop, a frown marring her features.

**End chapter 1**

So, it's a short and boring chapter, but also a necessary one. The plot may now unfold! :P


	3. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura. But I do own Jonathan Daniels (yum!)**

_**Chapter 2**_

She walked slowly in the cemetery, following the path leading to a lone maple tree shadowing a grey granite tombstone. How insignificant it was, this square piece of rock she thought, looking at it blindly. She already knew the engraving it bore, had traced it multiple times with her fingertips, until she could effortlessly recall the feel of each letter.

Jonathan Daniels

1984-2008

_Beloved husband and son._

This did not say anything about him.

Nothing at all.

It did not portray how funny he was, how gentle, strong, loving or intelligent. It did not show the world what had been lost. It was a meaningless rock. She moved forward to touch the cold stone with her fingertips, tracing the letters of his name lightly once more, her hand shaking with suppressed emotions.

He had been buried here, in her hometown, no one waiting for him back in his country. He had stayed with her, close to her heart. She deposited the flowers she carried gently, straightening up.

"_Tomoyo…" She looked up from her silent contemplation of the fireplace._

"_Hum?"_

"_You are particularly beautiful today." She smiled softly, shaking her head at him, her eyes meeting mischievous dark blue ones. The young woman took a sip of wine, putting the glass back on the coffee table before turning fully to her boyfriend. _

_The house was quiet. They were the only one still up, the mansion now quiet, a far cry from a few hours ago. They simply sat together, exhausted but content to finally be alone together. The party her mother had held had been filled with important people, ones she'd had to entertain all night. Jonathan and her had barely seen each other. Wearing their pajama and soft bathrobes, they cuddled on the couch drowsily. _

"_And may I add that I love you very much, more than anyone or anything in this world." A small laugh escaped her lips, as she turned fully to her boyfriend, reaching up to kiss his lips gently. Pulling back, she gave him a mock angry look._

"_Are you apologizing for something, now?" She said teasingly. The young man smiled, combing her long hair back over her shoulder._

"_Oh… I know we said small gifts this year, with the money spent in your clothing store an, my own university debts, but… I wanted to get you something special." She narrowed her eyes at him, curious but also suspicious. He motioned to the pocket of her bathrobe with his chin. Arching an eyebrow, she put her hand in her pocket and pulled out a dark blue velvet box._

_A soundless gasp escaped her lips, her free hand rising up to cover her mouth, eyes wide as he smiled wider, tilting his head to the side. _

"_You are my everything Tomoyo, and I want to build a future with you. You make me so happy, Tomoyo." Tears welled up in her eyes. Taking the box from her shaking hand, he opened it and presented it to her._

"_Will you have me, Tomoyo Daidouji?" Her gaze flickered from the sincere expression on her lover's face to the ring. She bit her lower lip as she saw the light bouncing of a pink diamond._

A simple demand, unencumbered and genuine, filled with feelings.

A twig snapped, startling her out of her sorrowful reminiscence. She turned her head, glimpsing her companion, and dismissing him, turned back to her husband's resting place, staying silent.

"Tomoyo…I'm sorry for your loss." She nodded softly, a mere dip of her head, but did not answer, staring at the tree towering above her. What did one answer to that? There was nothing to say.

"You shouldn't come here every day Tomoyo. You won't let him go this way." He said lowly, coming to stand closer to her to gaze down at the tombstone for the first time.

She tensed, a bitter reply on the tip of her tongue. He had no right to judge her or to tell her what to do. He had been absent so long, had not even come to the funerals. She felt the sudden and savage need to tell him that he had no right to call her by her first name, that she was Daniels-san, or even Daidouji-san to him, that they did not know each other, that he was a stranger. The words were half truth, and would serve no purpose. In the end, she merely bit the inside of her cheeks and took a deep breath to ground herself.

"It is none of your concern." She replied softly, too politely, her tone bordering on cold aloofness.

"I was passing by and saw you standing there." Silence answered him.

"I was only worried." He admitted softly. She didn't move, only stared at the tree, at the way the wind coaxed the leaves into a gentle sway. A tense awkward silence stretched between them. He did not leave, only shuffled his feet lightly, waiting for a reply. He had never been one to be so easily disturbed or dismissed, she remembered from her childhood. Recognizing he would not leave, she closed her eyes and sighed.

She didn't want to fight anymore.

She wanted to let go, to surrender.

Maybe then the pain would fade.

"How did your scholarship go in America?" She asked politely.

"Good." She turned around on her heels slowly, and cocked her head to the side, looking him up and down: dark colored jeans, white wife-beater, open dress up shirt with the cuffs rolled to the elbows, broad shoulders and the same tan colored skin, messy brown hair and mysterious brown eyes. He had not changed much in all those years.

Yet, he looked even more handsome than when he was seventeen.

He and Sakura still had the same ears she mused, remembering her reaction at meeting the young man for the first time.

Yes.

Nothing had changed.

"It was...nice…to meet you again. Welcome back, Touya." She turned away, intending to leave. The young man moved to block her path, slouching in the hope of catching her eyes. She passed him by without a second look, making her way out of the cemetery to join Sakura at the store once more.

She was spent.

Touya watched her go, his eyes never leaving her form until she disappeared.

He glanced back at the tombstone hidden in the shadow of the tree. He squinted at the stone slightly, unable to shake some sort of uneasy feeling.

* * *

Tomoyo dropped in her overstuffed red chair, heaviness making its way slowly in her body. This day, like the one hundred and eighty seven previous ones, had been long and hard. She looked outside, sad eyes gazing at the wet window panes, at the storm now raging, like her mind and her heart. She touched the panel of the windows from her sitting position, tracing the path made by thick drops, her mind blank for a short moment.

With a sigh, the dark haired woman rose and slipped into the cold sheets of her bed. She pulled a heavy blanket over her body, taking comfort in the softness of the cloth.

The widow opened a novel she had picked at random and started to read.

The first thing she felt was pain, a dull and throbbing pain.

The second was confusion.

Where was she? The lone figure opened her eyes with a moan and, slowly sitting up, took in her surroundings. She was in a luxurious forest: centuries old trees with long and sinuous roots were hovering above her as if desiring to protect her. The heads of the trees were tossing with the gentle breeze. Soft and dark green moss pillowed her body. Bushes with luscious looking fruits and blankets of multicoloured blooming flowers were surrounding her, their scents tickling her nose. A mist was covering the ground, floating, creating an aerie atmosphere. Touching her forehead, a wince escaped the girl's lips as she felt a bruise under her sensitive digits.

Slowly, the amethyst-eyed heiress nodded off to another realm.

_She laid in the dark, asleep, her breathing even. All around her was the same: her mansion cool and gloomy. The image blurred. She appeared in a soft looking room, on a canopy bed. The walls were a dark blue, seemingly black, a tapestry enhanced with gold Victorian patterns. Cream colored candles lit the room, the dancing flames casting moving shadows on the walls. The ground was covered by soft cream carpets and gold-colored pillows were thrown carelessly around the room._

_It was a beautiful bedroom, lush and comfortable, inviting._

_A refuge for young lovers._

_One her husband and she had hoped to have in their home._

_A silky nightgown covered her body, molding her form and reflecting the light from the candles._

_The sheets tangled in her legs, her arms above her head, her hair spread on the cream sheets and pillows like a veil, she slept soundlessly. A gust of wing swept through the room, the candles flickering dangerously._

_A tall man with dark blue hair and wearing dark dress pants, his shirt unbuttoned, appeared in the shadows, his ghostly complexion contrasting with the room,. As smoothly as a panther, he slid to the bed, his footsteps making no sound on the carpeted floor. With passion hooded eyes, he took in the goddess lain before him. Dark wavy hair, ivory skin, long and lush black lashes, legs that went on forever, long slender hands, soft firm breasts and deep amethyst eyes._

_His eyes darkened as he took into the too thin body, the bones in her hands, her clavicles and her ribs too apparent._

_She was not as curvy as she was before, but she was still beautiful, still looking like a sleeping angel. He crept on her body, never touching her but for his fingertips lightly tracing a path from her ankle to her thigh. He settled above her, keeping his weight on his elbows and knees, brushing his nose in her hair to smell her scent. The young man kissed her neck, nipping, licking his way slowly, tediously to her shoulder. Small moans escaped her mouth. With a hand, he slid down one of the gown strap, kissing the newly exposed area, smiling in pure masculine pleasure at her response. He brought his hand up her thigh and waist, the silk and his sensual touch making his wife arch her body slightly._

_The fog surrounding her cleared slowly and she sighed in pleasure as her body emerged from sleep, her senses becoming sharper. Her eyes fluttered opened and locked with passion glazed eyes. He took her mouth swiftly, almost roughly, kissing her with an unexpected hunger, licking her lips, asking, commending her to let him enter. She obliged, her hand going behind his neck, gripping his hair. The sensation made shivers go up her spine._

_Her husband was home, kissing her, loving her. He smelled as good as before, his skin hot under her questing fingers. A fire stared in her groin, burning bright with need._

_She ran her hands through the soft strands of hair at the nape of his neck while he kissed his way lower, bunching her nightgown up under her breasts to expose the skin of her stomach._

_The young man placed wet opened-mouthed kisses as he went, eliciting soft sighs and moans from his wife. He stopped at her navel, twirling his tongue in it, making her belly tremble as she giggled. He smiled back mischievously and sat back a little, pushing the nightgown she wore all the way up and slipping it over her head with her help. The soft cloth landed on the other side of the bed, forgotten, as he looked her over slowly. The look felt scorching, as if everywhere his eyes landed he caressed her flesh. A blush reddened the skin of her chest, her neck, and finally her cheeks._

_Tomoyo moistened her lips, earning a groan from her lover as she gave him a smoldering look, one filled with promise and yearning._

_Opening her legs with his knees, he settled himself between them, like he had done so long ago, covering her body with his carefully, keeping most of his weight off. A small smile appeared on her lips and she sighed softly, the longed for sensation pleasurable beyond words. His touch felt warm, his body so familiar, heavy. The touch of his groin against her, and the hardened bulge she felt, made her moan throatily._

_Too long._

_It had been too long._

_The man brought his mouth to her ear, his cool breath sending chills down her spine._

_"I'll be with you forever." She turned her head to her husband, smashing her lips against him in a passion-filled kiss. She opened her lips under his, coaxing him to follow her movements. Her tongue entered his mouth, brushing against his. She tasted a metallic tinge and wrinkled her noise, ending the kiss to tease her lover gently. She gasped, a scream logged in her throat. Her husband smiled at her, blood smeared across his mouth and body. Tiny bloody handprints covered him where she had touched him, the sticky fluid matting his hair to his head._

_The amethyst-eyed woman looked down at her body, random pattern of red contrasting starkly against her pale skin. One hand flew to her mouth as she shoved against her husband, trying to get up from under him, to escape what could only be a nightmare. The blood made her grip slippery, as she smeared the liquid over his chest and shoulders in her haste to get away._

_Panic settled in as the man towering above her grabbed her hands and brought them above her head, pinning her to the bed._

_No!_

_He settled his weight fully on her, making escape impossible. She felt and heard the blood on his chest make a wet squelching noise as her pressed down against her. Tomoyo started hyperventilating, looking around the bed for anything to defend herself with. Grasping both of her arms in one hand, he grabbed her jaw, digging his thumb and fingers in her cheek. Tears welled up in her eyes as she worked her jaw, trying to get loose. The pain forced her mouth open against her will. She gave an imploring look to her husband, begging him with her eyes to let her go. He smiled back lovingly and brought his mouth to her, giving her a French kiss. Blood poured down his mouth into hers. The thick liquid moved down her throat, chocking her as she gagged and struggled to cough. It tasted metallic and sweet, the taste of decay. His tongue moved in her mouth hungrily, painting her lips and teeth red._

The young widow woke up with a scream lodged in her throat.

The sweat soaked girl tried to sit up, her nightgown nowhere to be seen. The cool air of the mansion caressed her skin as she looked for the silky cloth, trying to hold the panic at bay.

Tomoyo shivered violently, scrambling to kick the sheet off of her legs, making them even more tangled in the numerous blankets of the bed. Her fight against hysteria became more difficult; a small teary laugh escaped her throat as she finally pulled her legs free.

Her breath started coming in even shorter gasps and sweat rolled down her body. Her skin became cold and clammy. Pressing the heels of her hands to her eyes until she saw stars, she let out a choked sob, the pain, the hurt pouring in small salty waves down her cheeks.

Her mouth became filled with saliva, her stomach and esophagus contracting painfully. Leaping on her feet, she ran to the bathroom to empty her body of the little food it contained, crying, and shaking.

**End chapter 2**


	4. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.

**Chapter 3**

Morning did not come soon enough, her sleep disturbed endlessly as she woke up time and time again, fear leaving an acidic taste in the back of her throat. The dream kept repeating itself behind her closed eyelids as she tried, unsuccessfully, to sleep. Little noises would wake her up, along of the fear of what she would see once she fell asleep.

The taste of blood would not leave her, no matter how much she brushed her teeth or gargled with Listerine. Her hands were red and dry from scrubbing them raw, but every time she looked at them, all she could see was the dark red blood coating her fingers, drying on her palm and making a dark brown crust beneath her fingernails.

More importantly, she had been unable to shake the feeling of someone, or something, watching her. The hair on the back of her neck would rise, and she would look around, haunted by shadows, clutching her blankets to her shivering body.

However, she knew such a thing was impossible. Nobody could have come in her room.

Security was too tight at the mansion. Her mother had never let go of her obsession for her safety, even now that she was grown. This concern had even intensified following Jonathan's death. Maybe because her mother did not know how to take care of her emotionally, did not know how to help her heal. Her concern was touching, as well as her support, but Sonomi could not understand this level of pain, could not understand her daughter's reaction. She thought little of men, and had never devoted herself fully to a relationship, unless one counts the one she'd had with Nadeshiko. Maybe, if she were to think about Jonathan as her daughter's Nadeshiko, she would understand.

Nevertheless, she was grateful her mother had kept the mansion the same after she left home, and had welcomed her back after her husband's death. Finding her old room had been a relief. She could not have stayed in their home.

It had been their home.

Theirs.

Not hers.

Their home which they had been renovating. An old Victorian type home which had needed work, but with which they had fallen in love with at first sight.

Their bedroom was finished, along with the kitchen and bathroom. They had been working on his study, and would have done hers next.

His absence was so glaringly obvious there.

His closet, full of his clothes.

His cologne sitting in the bathroom.

His books, lining the walls.

Everything of his was there.

She had condemned the house; it sat still.

Her close ones thought it odd, shook their head, told her she should box up his stuff and give it away, that it would help her.

But she couldn't do it.

Not yet she'd say.

He is not yet gone. I will do it when it's time, she answered every time. They would give her puzzled if not polite smiles. They did not understand. She wasn't sure if she did herself.

She dressed mechanically, lost in thoughts.

Dark blue jeans.

Black shirt.

Yes, black was fitting for day one hundred and eighty-nine.

It definitely was fitting.

Did it matter if it had also been fitting on day one hundred and eighty-eight, or eighty-seven?

Or most of the previous ones, for that matter?

No.

Not really.

Every day was the same.

The sudden knock on her door had her hurrying to smooth the shirt over her slim frame before opening the door. Her mother stood in front of her, clad in a candy apple form fitting suit. Even years later, she had not abandoned her brazen look. Her mother still looked gorgeous and fierce, she had to admit. Years had not affected her energy. The business woman shifted from one leg to another, looking very uncomfortable standing in front of her silent daughter. Yes, years had not changed Sonomi at all.

"Mother? You're back from Berlin already?" The older woman snapped to attention immediately, her form relaxing as her daughter broke the silence.

"Yes. The meeting was a success. Negotiations took less time than planned." She nodded amiably before silence overtook them again. Both women looked at the ground, Tomoyo unwilling to talk, and Sonomi unable to think of what to say.

"Have you sold the house yet?" Tomoyo winced at the reminder. Her mother had been pushing her to sell the house and come back to the mansion indefinitely. It was easier for her to keep an eye on her distressed daughter if she stayed in her home with the bodyguards and staff she had chosen.

"No, I haven't, mother." She replied softly. Sonomi nodded briskly before looking at her watch.

"Ah, I will have to go. I have another meeting." The short-haired woman hesitated, before placing a hand on her daughter's shoulder and giving her a short squeeze. She nodded softly, giving the younger girl a gentle smile. The older woman opened her mouth, but the sound of her Blackberry buzzing cut the moment short.

"Yes?" She answered curtly, giving her daughter's shoulder another squeeze before turning away wordlessly. Tomoyo leaned against the doorframe, looking at her mother walking away hurriedly, scolding her assistant on her phone and giving orders at one of the maid passing by at the same time. Yes, some things did not change.

It was reassuring though, to see her mother as such, to know that some things withstood life, did not crash and burn. It was also reassuring to know that, no matter how impervious she seemed, the older woman cared.

The young heiress sighed and followed her mother's path down the stairs, intending to force some food down her throat.

Welcome to day one hundred and eighty-nine.

The young woman sat on a bench, sipping from her mezzo Starbuck coffee. The usual brew did not have its intended effect, but it still helped to comfort her as she gazed off into the cemetery from across the street. She pinpointed the tombstone, watching the sun reflect from its shiny surface as she took another gulp from the sweet concoction. The coffee tasted cold on her tongue, but she paid it no mind, focusing on the leaves of the towering tree dancing in the wind.

Somebody sat down next to her, spreading long legs in front of him. She ignored the stranger, still gazing in the distance. A new smell made her nose tingle. She breathed in deeply and let out a chocked cough as sudden realization streaked through her mind, barely avoiding spraying out her mouthful of coffee.

Lacoste pour Homme.

_Oh Jonathan…_

The fresh and spicy smell made her snap her head to the side, looking to the man sitting next to her. Dark brown eyes looked at her seriously, under furrowed brows. Pain exploded in her chest as the smell unearthed past memories of happier times, times spent burrowed in Jonathan's arms, of waking up next to him in the morning, of making love slowly in the afternoon.

"Touya." She acknowledged softly. The man nodded back in response, never taking his eyes away from her. She was the first to look away, trying not to breathe in, not to be reminded of the painful memories this smell brought her.

"How are you Tomoyo?" She shrugged a shoulder limply. A soft sigh answered her silence.

"Tomoyo…" He whispered. The pity she heard in his voice wounded her pride and made her anger surge. Her fingers tightened around the paper cup she held in her hand, bending the circular shape dangerously. His hand dropped on her shoulder, warm and heavy. Something tightened inside of her stomach at the contact, something resembling a blend of lust and bittersweet sorrow, of comfort and bleeding pain. She tensed at the contact, becoming angry at herself for letting herself relax for a second at the comforting touch. The smell of Lacoste became stronger as he leaned closer, trying to turn her shoulders towards hum.

"I understand, Tomoyo, I understand…" She flinched, reminded of his mother, of the one person he had lost, but she still didn't think he understood.

He had been young, had lost the one that would protect him, that he could look up to, that would sooth his childhood fears. She had lost the love of her life, the one man she had sworn to spend her life with.

Two great losses, two different pains.

She would never see Jonathan grow old, would never have his children, would not feel his hands on her body again, or hear his voice saying he loved her. Touya had seen his mother again, had felt her watching over her. Tomoyo was alone. He was gone. Only nightmares awaited her.

"I didn't want to upset you in the cemetery the other day, Tomoyo. I was only concerned about you."

He put one arm around her shoulders, giving her a gentle hug. She leaned against him stiffly, trying not to breath in his cologne, not to imagine herself in someone else's warm embrace. To do so would invite only much more pain.

She knew.

She had tried.

He had been dark haired and blue eyed.

It had been the wrong shades, the hair too dark and the eyes too light, but she had pretended. The scent had also been wrong, and the voice too rough.

It had been hard to imagine the man in front of her was the one she longed for.

The wine had helped, had allowed his form to blur, his features to blend into the ones she needed.

He had not cared that she was looking for someone else, had not cared that she had called him something other than his name. He had only cared about his mouth on her breasts, her long legs around his waist and her hands in his hair as he moaned and grunted and she shut her eyes tight and tried, tried so hard to pretend.

The night had left her alone, so alone, more so than before, alone with her new shame and disgust. She had scrubbed herself clean, her skin becoming raw and bright pink, until her mother had found her in the shower and forced her to stop cleaning herself.

She had not tried again to lose herself with another man.

She wouldn't try again either.

The dark-haired girl gave a small smile to the man still holding her, nodding softly, giving him what he wanted so he would release her, so she could breathe again. Giving her a last squeeze, he let go, sighing. Looking at him from the corner of her eyes, she could see on his face that he knew she was pretending, but wasn't going to push her harder. He stood up slowly and started walking away. A few feet away from her, he turned around and called out to her.

"By the way, Sakura is throwing a party Friday night. She wants you to come. See you around, Tomoyo." With a wave of his hand, he turned and left, leaving her staring at the cemetery.

Tomoyo whipped her head to look at his retreating back, sudden realization startling her out of her thoughts.

_He didn't smell like Lacoste._

**End chapter 3**

**Review? Pretty please?**


	5. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.

**Chapter 4**

"So, I'm guessing Touya told you about the party I'm throwing?" Tomoyo raised her eyes to her friends', moving her food around her plate with her fork to give the impression she had eaten more than she did.

"Yes, of course." She gave a small smile, hiding her disgruntlement at the meeting behind a small bite of her almond sole filet. Sakura eyed her confusedly before shaking her head and smiling back sunnily.

"So you'll come right?" The heiress sighed softly.

"I am not sure I will be available Sakura…" She started.

"Hoe!!!" The girl interrupted her before she was able to come up with a fake reason for not coming. The expression reminded her so much of the one she wore younger that she was unable to hide an amused smile.

"Tomoyo! I need you there. It's gonna be all Touya's old friends and I need someone I know around… Please…!" the honey-eyed girl gave her puppy dog eyes, clasping her hands together. The widow sighed, looking away.

"I am sorry Sakura-chan, but I cannot." The light in the eyes of the brown-haired girl dimmed softly, but she nodded in answer, forcing a tight smile on her lips.

"Okay." The rest of the meal was silent, punctuated with short sentences and shorter answers. Guilt gnawed at Tomoyo's stomach, making each bite harder and harder to swallow.

She couldn't go.

She just couldn't.

* * *

Tomoyo sighed, looking at the woman sitting in front of her, observing her and giving her a gentle if not encouraging smile.

"Why are you here, Daidouji-san?" She poised her pen at the ready on her notepad. Tomoyo regarded her stonily. She looked to be in her mid-thirty, with blond hair cut into a stylish bob cut. Her clothes were conservative but still stylish, and she wore very light make-up. All in all, she looked professional.

"My mother insisted I consult you concerning my difficulties recovering from my husband's death." She finally replied, moving her gaze to the office. The clinician nodded, writing down a few words.

"Would you say you are not here out of your own free will?" The heiress moved her hair over one shoulder, running her eyes over the multiple books in the bookcase next to her chair.

"Indeed, I would say so." Yes, she would more than say so. It had been an unpleasant surprise, even though it showed her mother was worried far more than she let on.

.

.

_They had been eating in silence, punctuated by short comment on how the chief had outdone himself on the different courses of their meal._

"_I believe you should go see Dr Rosenberg, Tomoyo She is a very well-known psychiatrist." The older woman said before taking a sip of her glass of wine. She had nearly choked on her own mouthful of wine, taking aback by the sudden suggestion._

"_What would I need to go see a psychiatrist for, mother?" The brown-haired woman squared her shoulders, straightening up in her seat and taking a pose that Tomoyo was all too familiar with. It was the pose she adopted when she had to negotiate with clients or business partners, meant to showcase her determination and stubbornness._

_She stood no chance, it would seem. With that one look, she knew her mother would not back down on this._

"_It is for your own well-being, daughter. You are wasting away, and it must stop." She nodded to herself, content with her argumentation, and took another small bite of her meal, never looking away from her daughter._

_Tomoyo shook her head side to side slowly, holding her mother's gaze as she took a bite of her meal. Swallowing with difficulty, she strengthened herself before answering._

"_I do not wish to talk to a stranger about my grief, mother. I simply need more time." Sonomi sighed, tapping her fingertips over the tabletop. She gave the younger woman a thoughtful look._

"_It would please me if you'd go, Tomoyo. It may help you." Tomoyo regarded her silently, holding her gaze as she ate some more of her meal._

"_It has helped me." The older woman finally conceded, hunching her shoulders forwards slightly, so unused to showing weakness in front of anybody, be it her daughter. Tomoyo swallowed thickly the food in her mouth and nodded softly. She took a deep breath and released it into a sigh._

"_When?" She whispered._

"_Tomorrow at 2." She merely nodded in answer, forcing another bite of food down her throat._

_._

_.  
_

"Why did you choose to come, then?" Tomoyo regarded the therapist thoughtfully.

"To make my mother feel better." The blond-haired woman nodded, pushing her glasses back up her nose, and gave her a small smile.

"Well then, what would you like to talk about?" The heiress gave the other woman a puzzled look, a frown creasing her eyebrows.

"Am I not here to tell you about my grief about my husband?"

The psychiatrist gestured to her with one hand.

"You may talk about whatever you want Daidouji-san. You may have come here at the recommendation of your mother, but it is your session. This is a safe place, where what you say won't be repeated. Your mother has no power here." the heiress picked at invisible lints on her shirt as she gathered her thoughts before looking up at the therapist.

"My husband died six months ago in an accident. We had been married for barely a few months." The woman gave an empathic nod, urging her to continue. Tomoyo stopped, unsure of what else to say. The therapist finally broke the silence.

"And how does that make you feel?" Tomoyo bit back a snort at the question. It was one of the stupidest questions she had ever heard. The therapist must have noticed her facial expression of disbelief because she started explaining herself.

"Some people get angry at life or at God, others become numb to what surround them. Some people also feel depressed, whereas others throw themselves in work. There are more than one way of dealing with grief, Daidouji-san." Tomoyo nodded, looking down at her hands clasped in her lap. She felt suddenly slightly foolish for being so resistant and doubting the woman in front of her. Her mother was nothing but efficient, and she would never go see someone she didn't consider just as efficient.

"I am… sad and alone. I feel… broken, forsaken." The therapist nodded encouragingly, jolting down a few words on her pad.

"Depressed I guess… Eating is hard… Sleeping too… I have no energy…" She trailed off, feeling uncomfortable at saying out loud what she had been trying so hard to repress.

"Those are not abnormal. They are normal symptoms associated with grief Daidouji-san." She sighed, a part of herself relieved for not being crazy, as others surrounding her seemed to think.

"How long have you felt that way?" The widow counted in her head, recalling the first few weeks following her loss, and then the following months.

"At first, I couldn't believe it, even though I had seen him die. When they lowered the casket in the ground, it just sunk in. I… tried to think of ways to bring him back…" She chose her words carefully, letting her sentences be vague but still express what happened.

She had asked Sakura in a fit of tears if she could bring him back, but the later had shook her head, her own eyes filled with tears. She then had asked her to erase her feelings, to use the erase or the void and take everything away, but she had also refused. Tomoyo had never asked again. It had been foolish, and she had known it was impossible even as she had asked, but despair had taken over her head and her heart, until she could barely think straight.

"Many try to bargain with God to return their lost loved one." The therapist answered empathically.

"I became angry for a while, angry at people for not understanding, and at God for taking him away, but that didn't last long and I started feeling depressed…. about 1 month ago I'd say." The dark-haired girl shifted in her seat uneasily.

"Have you been experiencing any other symptoms?" Tomoyo hesitated, unsure of herself and of how much she could tell this woman, this stranger who had the power to put her in a closed house where the only fashion statement she could make is to wear a white jacket with extra long sleeves tied at the back.

"Dreams… feelings like… he's there… Smelling his perfume in the air when there is nobody around." Tears stung her eyes but she held them back ruthlessly, humiliated and scared. Risking herself, she looked up at her therapist, who was nodding softly, a concerned look on her face. She dropped her pad on the table next to her and leaned forwards slightly.

"Those are normal, Daidouji-san. Some people, when facing with grief, will think they are in contact with their lost spouse. It is not true, but a manifestation of their yearning, of their grief. Do not be scared. You are not going crazy. Your mind and heart are simply trying to cope." She finished, looking down at Tomoyo's hands, which were gripping her purse so hard her knuckles were white. Tomoyo gave a small chocked sob, relieved at hearing those words, at finding justification for how crazy she felt she was becoming.

The therapist threw a look at the clock and sighed, leaning back in her chair.

"I am afraid it's all the time we had for today but here is what I suggest. I will prescribe you a few sleeping pills, to help with the insomnia. A few night of good sleep might help lessen some of the cognitive symptoms. However, I'd like to see you again, if you will. I think we took a good step today." Tomoyo and the therapist rose together. She took the prescription hesitantly and busied herself by putting it into her purse.

"I will think about it." The other woman gave her a motherly smile.

"Good, that's all I can ask for." The widow nodded and left the small office, making her way slowly to her car, feeling in a daze. She sat down in the red Mercedes, staring at nothing as tears fell down her cheeks. The smell of Lacoste pour homme started permeating the air, slowly become stronger. She breathed in deeply and released it in a sigh.

"It's not real." She allowed herself a small if not sad smile.

A part of her couldn't help but wish it were.

_Oh Jonathan…_

**End chapter 4**

Please, review!


	6. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.

**Chapter 5**

Tomoyo woke up with a startled gasp, coughing up imaginary blood. The remnants of her dream lingered in her consciousness as she looked around her room, wiping her mouth with the back of her wrist. The taste of blood seemed sharp in her mouth, making her nauseous. Her heartbeat echoed loudly in her ears as she took a look around the room.

No one was in the bedroom with her, contrary to what she'd though.

She was alone.

It had been a dream, just a dream.

She shot a glance at the orange plastic bottle on her bedside desk. The pills inside mocked her silently, a reminder of her first session with the blond psychiatrist. Yet, the thought of oblivion, of a dreamless sleep attracted to her to no end. She could not remember the last time she had truly rested.

Biting her lower lip, she snatched the bottle from the desk and opened it. Peering inside, she counted a few pills only. The thought that the psychiatrist had prescribed so little because she thought she was suicidal crossed her mind. She rolled her eyes inwardly. She was not suicidal.

She was…

Broken.

She was broken.

The sleepless woman shook a pill into her hand and popped it into her mouth. She swallowed the pill quickly and lay back down, praying the medication would take hold of her quickly.

.

.

.

Tomoyo opened her eyes slowly, trying to blink sleep from her eyes. She stared at the ceiling, the blurry image becoming slowly clearer. Panic exploded in her head as she stared ahead.

Her body refused to move.

She tried to open her mouth to scream, but her lips would not part, her throat seemingly frozen. Her heart beat faster and faster, adrenaline surging through her veins.

_Shhhhh, it's okay my love, I'm there…. _

A strand of her hair moved away from her forehead, brushed away by an invisible touch. From the corner of her eyes she saw shadow fingers dance over the strands spread out on her pillow.

_Shhhhh….._

Tomoyo tried to force her throat open, to move from the touch, but her body would not obey. The fleeting thought that she was paralyzed, that she would be unable to move forever crossed her thoughts, amplifying her panic.

She heard the beginning of a high keening noise and realized with a start that the unexpected sound came from her throat. It became louder and louder, less muted, as if her ears had popped. Her back arched of the bed as she fought to sit up, yet the sheets kept her pinned to the mattress.

Somebody burst into the room.

"TOMOYO!" Her mother ran to her bed, still wearing her deep blue satin pajama. She nearly jumped on the bed, crawling to where her daughter fought frantically and immediately pulled her upright, clutching the small form to her chest.

"TOMOYO! TOMOYO! STOP! STOP TOMOYO!" The long-haired woman finally stopped screaming, gasping in a breath. She looked confusedly around the room, clutching her mother's pajama shirt tightly. Her mother brushed her hair soothingly, rocking her gently side to side.

"It's okay Tomoyo, it's okay…" Tears sprung to her eyes, a whimper escaping her throat.

"The room is secure ma'am." A bodyguard stood at the end of the bed, awaiting further command.

"Thank you, Kasumi. Leave us, please." The woman nodded and left, closing the door behind her softly.

Tomoyo watched the woman go, her mind seemingly blank and tears streaming down her cheeks.

_Jonathan_

His name echoed in her mind again and again.

"Tomoyo? Tell me what happened?" Her mother raised her chin, peering into her eyes and wiping away her daughter's tears gently. The younger woman shook her head, pressing her lips together tightly. She would not speak of what happened. Looking into her mother's concerned eyes, she could not bring herself to tell her. If things had been bad before, they had reached a new height this morning.

She had been awake. She had been paralyzed. She had heard him, had felt him touch her.

He had been there.

He. Had. Been. There.

She was going crazy.

She was psychotic.

"Tomoyo, tell me! Help me fix it!" Tomoyo sat up slowly, detangling herself from her mother's hold, and truly looked at the woman. Her eyes betrayed her tiredness, dark circles only making the unshed tears more apparent. Her lips were pressed together tightly and her jaw tense.

_Help me fix it!_

Sudden sorrow for the older woman, for what she was going through, as well as a deep surge of love gripped her. Her mother was so strong, had always been so strong. She had not always been there, but she had always cared. Oh how she cared. In her pain and grief, she had been blind to how much her mother had been hurting at seeing her like this, to how much she worried.

"Mother…" She gathered the auburn-haired woman in her arms, hugging her tightly.

"You can't fix me, mother." The older woman burst into sudden tears, gripping her daughter tightly.

"I'll be okay, mama. I'll be okay." One way or another, she would find a way.

.

……………………………………………………………………

.

The blond woman stared at her, smiling sweetly.

"Thank you for seeing me on such short notice." The heiress nodded to the older woman.

"You are welcome. Now, on the phone, you told me you had a particularly distressing episode?" The therapist asked concernedly.

"I…" Tomoyo stopped herself, pondering how to explain what happened. The woman had been very nonjudgmental when she had told her about her previous experiences relating to Jonathan. Nonetheless, it didn't mean she would not declare her psychotic after hearing about her new "episode". She might be sent to a psychiatric clinic for a short or not so short stay. She sighed softly.

"I woke up unable to move. I…" She swallowed thickly, remembering the paralysis, the feeling of being trapped in one's body. It was one of the most awful feelings she had ever experienced.

"… felt him… I felt him touch my hair. I heard him talking to me." She finished in a whisper, looking down at her tightly clasped hands. After a moment, she risked a look at the woman sitting across from her. Her therapist was frowning lightly, worrying her bottom lip.

"Daidouji-san, I think you experienced sleep paralysis. What you described is very typical; waking up to find oneself paralyzed and having hallucinations which seem very very real are trademark symptoms of this syndrome."

Tomoyo let out a deep breath and slumped in her chair. There was a rational reason. She was not psychotic.

"I am quite surprised, however. I have never heard of an individual experiencing sleep paralysis while under Rozerem. I will have to look into this matter." The woman scribbled something on her notepad before looking up at her client once more.

"I suggest that you continue to use this medication for now. If you experience this again though, stop right away. There is no need to wean yourself off, since it creates no dependence." Tomoyo nodded, chewing on her bottom lip. She wasn't sure she wanted to take the chance to experience what had happened this morning once more.

"Now, is there anything you would like to talk about?" She shrugged, unsure what to say now that her fears had been laid to rest. The blond pushed her glasses up her nose, regarding her patient closely. The young woman was obviously going through a hard time, grieving for her lost husband. Her symptoms were severe, but not too alarming.

Nonetheless, the cognitive symptoms were truly debilitating to her client, and stronger than anything she had seen in a non psychotic patient. Even though she had periodic hallucinations, her patient seemed very rational and in touch with reality, which was slightly strange. She wondered if her symptoms were not related to a sleep disorder such as hypnagogia, which would be exacerbated by the depressive symptoms associated to her grief.

"I was invited by a friend to a party." The therapist startled out of her thoughts, focusing on her patient at the sudden and abrupt sentence.

"Really?"

"Yes, for her brother's return from America." The blond woman nodded.

"And do you intend to go?" The heiress shrugged once more. The client was very ambivalent. She obviously did not want to be there, but wanted to get better nonetheless. She didn't feel any pleasure in her daily activities, and seemed to be relatively passive. She thought on how to continue the conversation.

"Daidouji-san, what would happen if you went?"

"I…I don't know." The therapist looked at her patiently. Tomoyo sighed, thinking of her friend, of how she had pleaded with her to go.

"Maybe… I'll think about going." The woman sitting opposite from her smiled, nodding encouragingly.

**End chapter 5.**

**Here it is! I hope you enjoyed! And please, review!**


	7. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.

**Chapter 6**

Her eyes snapped open. The young woman tried to move her hands but found herself unable to do so. She licked her lips.

Startled, Tomoyo gasped.

Once more, she tried to bring her hands up from the mattress, to even lift a finger, but nothing happened. Yet, she was able to move her jaw.

_Not sleep paralysis._

_Not sleep paralysis._

_Not sleep paralysis._

The thought reverberated through her mind like a ping pong ball.

_My love… Tomoyo…_

The whisper made her move her head sharply to the left. A cold touch trailed down the length of her neck before the feeling ceased. A weight seemingly lifted from her chest and she gasped in a sudden breath. It felt as if she had been slowly suffocating under water, but had now broken the surface and could breathe once more. The young woman sat up slowly, looking around.

Enough.

She had stopped taking the sleeping pills, thinking it would help, but it didn't. She still had dreams, still woke up to see and feel things she shouldn't.

She could not take it anymore.

Each night, it was the same.

One month.

It had been one month.

At the end of the previous session, the woman had told her she should see a psychologist as well, someone with whom she could do more intensive therapy. She said she would think about it.

After she left that session though, it became clearer and clearer to her that maybe, just maybe, she was not crazy, that what she felt, what she saw could be explained by something other than her grief-stricken mind.

Magic.

She could not explain what had happened otherwise.

At first, there had been nightmares of the night he was taken away from her. Then, when she had stopped having nightmares, when her psyche had quieted enough to let her stop experiencing the horrors of that night, he had started to appear in her dreams. The dreams had been glimpses of him that made her turn around and search for him.

It had slowly worsened. He had become the only object of her dreams; he was always there, often never talking but for his promising of loving her forever. He would come and try to seduce her, take her, claim her. Her pleasure would mingle with her pain to become an unbearable thirst that wouldn't be quenched.

But now, now she was starting to feel him when she was awake too.

First, she had smelt his perfume.

And slowly, oh so slowly, she had felt him touch her, wake her up the way he used to.

The young heiress sighed. She would need to explore this new possibility.

Looking at the clock beside her chair, Tomoyo saw that it was about seven in the morning. Yes, she would explore this possibility. She would start now and she knew where to start, or rather, with whom.

…

Tomoyo rang the bell impatiently. It was well past nine in the morning. As far as she remembered, the man was an early riser. But then again, a lot of time had passed since she had last truly seen him.

The thought that maybe she shouldn't have come crossed her mind, but she pushed it aside ruthlessly. He was the right person to talk to. He knew about spirits, even more so than Sakura. The young woman smoothed down her skirt, busying herself as she waited on the porch. Nobody seemed to be coming to answer the door.

Her shoulders slumped slightly as she turned around, starting to walk back to her car. She would have to come back later. Hearing someone call her name, she stopped and turned partially towards the house.

"Tomoyo? What are you doing here?"

"Touya. Can I come in?" The dark-haired man opened the door wider and watched her come in, an eyebrow raised. He hadn't thought she'd come to see him after he had talked with her at the cemetery, and certainly not this early in the morning. He closed the door and looked at her as she stood there, hands together, with something in her eyes that had been missing before.

As he looked at her, for the first time, he saw a small spark of life, of the will to go on. He had not really looked at her at the cemetery, but now he could see it was a sharp contrast with her appearance. She was too thin and her skin had an ashen tinge, not the healthy milky white from before. She also had dark rings under her eyes.

She waited patiently as he perused her, knowing what he was thinking, as everyone else thought the same. Having a good looking shirtless man with jeans riding low on his hips looking at her so intently would have been enticing if the situation had been different. As she leveled her eyes to his chest, she was only reminded of Jonathan, of how long it had been since she had been in his arms, how long it had been since he had made love to her. She winced. No, it had been not that long ago, not when he had visited her in her dreams, when he seemed so obsessed with touching her.

Finally, she coughed, a little uncomfortable.

Touya was snapped out of his thoughts by his guest's cough and gave her a rueful smile.

"Please sit down. I will be back in a moment." Tomoyo sat down on his couch, looking around the small house's living room, which was covered in boxes. She twisted her hands in her lap nervously. Even though their interactions at the cemetery had been unpleasant, she hoped that her best friend's brother would accept to talk to her about his past experiences with ghosts. Finally, her host entered the room, this time fully clothed, much to her relief.

"Would you like something to drink? Water? Juice? Tea?" She couldn't broach this topic right away. She knew him to be suspicious of her motives for visiting him. But more importantly, he had been nosy about her way of dealing with her husband's death. She did not want him to pry once more in her private business, or to inform Sakura of what was plaguing her for that matter. The young girl had been her rock for long enough, and she did not want to burden her further.

"Tea would be good. Thank you."

The older man quickly came back with the tea and they finally settled down, cups in hand. Unfortunately, another awkward silence hung in the air, neither knowing what to say. Tomoyo was the one to break the status quo, clearing her throat.

"How is Yukito?" Needless to say, the question caught Touya by surprise. Tomoyo and Yukito were not really friends, and furthermore, the young heiress had never really been interested in his life.

"I have only talked to him once since my arrival, but he seemed to be doing quite well. He will be in town for my welcome party. " Sadly, this did not bring her any closer to talking about the subject of interest. She needed to lead the conversation towards his powers and his past experiences. She knew once she started talking and asking questions, he would understand this was about her late husband. However, what she would ensure he didn't know, was what she was going through. There was still a chance she was psychotic, and she would not risk people knowing so if all of this was in her head.

"I am sorry to bother you so early, Touya-san." He waved away her apology, urging her to continue with a nod.

"To be honest, I sought you out because I have some questions concerning your past experiences with spirits." The dark-haired man merely cocked an eyebrow, surprised, but not exceedingly so. It would make sense for her to seek to contact her husband, unable as she was to let him go.

"Tomoyo…" He sighed softly, running his hand over his face. There was no easy way to let her down.

"You cannot simply evoke him. If he chooses to be there, he will be there, but…" He shrugged as if to say sorry. Her breath caught in her throat at his words. Her host gave her a concerned look as she took a deep breath, mistaking her reaction for grief.

"I see…" It would seem it would be possible for him to be haunting her. This though, did not tell her much. It did not let her know either that what she was feeling and experiencing was real. She suddenly felt like she was losing the ability to breathe, like something was compressing her chest.

"What would happen, if he were to be there?" She asked softly, looking down at the milky green liquid swirling in her teacup and trying to regulate her breathing.

"Tomoyo…" He answered hesitantly. Her will to find answers bordered on obsession. It did not look as if there were any sign of her late husband watching over her, but she seemed determined to find some.

"Please…" She asked imploringly, letting all of her pain bleed through. For a second, she dropped the walls, the façade she kept for others, one badly constructed and cracked, but strong enough to fool them into thinking she was somewhat sane. She saw his eyes soften and knew right at this moment that she would get the answers she wanted.

…..

In the end, her conversation with Touya hadn't given her what she needed to know, but it had been a start.

As far as he was concerned, ghosts weren't dangerous. They only were trying to communicate with those who had the sensitivity necessary to hear them, see them or feel them. He had talked with some in the past, but often, he had only watched them and hadn't done anything unless they came to him. She had left him with the carefully constructed impression that she had been looking for a way to see her husband once more, but now knew without a doubt he was gone. He had expressed his deep sympathy at her pain and some encouragement at her moving on. Nevertheless, she knew the man was very smart and suspicious by nature. As such, she also knew it was not the last time she would hear of him.

Now, she would need to search other resources. Her next bets were books and the internet. She knew the web was full of crap, but she still hoped to find some kernel of truth or help somewhere. Maybe it would be easier after she had answers.

Something troubled her deeply, however. As her conversation had progressed with Touya, she had felt this force pushing at her chest, nearly stealing her breath away, trying to repulse her, to get her to stop. It had been painful. It had made her want to throw up and crawl in a corner to cry and disappear in nothingness. It had been like an unbearable weight had settled on her, crushing everything she was, inside and out. It had taken everything she had to simply stay still and not to bolt or lose consciousness. It had exhausted her.

Yet, at the same time, she had felt him. He had been there. She had felt his burning stare at the back of her neck. It had made the fine hairs on her arms rise and goosebumps to appear over her skin. She would not be able to search this furthermore, not today anyway. Her body was sore all over, screaming at her to lie down and stay like this for at least a century. How the hell would she be able to go on with her searching if it was to be this painful each time? Moreover with the already present feelings linked with Jonathan's presence near her…

…

The young woman looked at her therapist closely. The other woman returned her gaze steadily, open and ready. Tomoyo sighed, looking at her watch. This was going nowhere. The session was more than halfway through and so far, nothing of much interest had been discussed. Of course, the woman had come back on the previous session and the fact that she had found no correlation between the use of sleeping medication and sleep paralysis, but Tomoyo had a priori dismissed that diagnosis, what with her recent atypical episode.

The therapist cocked her head, putting her pad aside and leaning forward on her elbows.

"Daidouji-san…" Tomoyo returned the look with an arched eyebrow.

"Daidouji-san, I believe we should rule out other causes for what you are experiencing. Maybe some medical tests, to ensure that it's nothing physical, and then we'll take it from there? Some blood tests, a brain scan…"

Tomoyo tuned out her therapist, thinking of other resources to consult. So far, the internet had been a big void. It contained so much information, she could barely keep up, nor discern what was real and what wasn't. She would consult books, but she knew there were enough chances that they would, too, be another useless source of information. Even when she double-crossed all the information she gathered from Touya in order to weed out potential real sources, she ended up with a lot of far-fetched or completely useless stuff. She dreaded the "light reading" she would have to do to get through this one.

Fun.

_Right._

.

.

.

…..

A young man yawned as he drove on the highway. It was already late, but the road was busy, people coming back from the long week-end. His female companion sat with him, her upper body resting against his, her head on his shoulder, sometimes nuzzling his neck as she fought sleep. The man had one hand on his lover's knee and the other on the wheel. He was basking in the moment, in their love, driving back to their home from their visit to Tomoeda. The young lady beside him sighed contentedly. The third passenger in the car took a curious look around, leaning forward in her seat to peer at the two lovers, a frown marring her features.

_No… Wrong… It's… wrong…_

Something caught the male attention. Slowly, he steered their car towards the side of the road. The man quickly kissed his wife on the lips, telling her to stay there and got out of the car.

The third passenger tried to grab his arm, but he evaded her touch.

_No! No! Don't go!_

He did not hear her words, or maybe chose not to heed them.

Her mind still hazy with sleep, the young woman nodded, finding a more comfortable position. A screeching sound resonated in the distance, jerking her out of sleep. She hurriedly got out of the car and ran towards the newly arrived vehicle, followed by the other passenger, who screamed silently. The driver was already out of his car, crouched before a motionless body.

The third passenger skid to a stop next to the man sprawled on the ground, hands hovering over his form.

_No! No!_

Tomoyo approached the body in a trance. Her hands went to her mouth as she chocked back a gasp, or maybe a sob. The woman started shaking as fat tears rolled down her cheeks. She fell on her knees and crept to the prone figure in a pool of blood. The third passenger watched her sadly, knowing what she would see, what would come.

_She had seen it. She had been there, after all._

"No, no, no, no..." She shook the body of her husband, whispering the word as a mantra. Hazy blue eyes opened, searching the night slowly. She was fleetingly aware of the driver telling her he would call for help.

"...To..Tomoyo..." Slowly, Jonathan lifted his hand, his whole arm shaking with the strain of the movement. She cradled his hands between hers, pressing it to her tears-stained cheek. He tried to speak again but she hushed him, a shaky finger on his lips.

_Too late._

_Too late._

_TOO LATE! _

"... I'll...b..be there..forever..." He painstakingly took a breath and released it. His chest did not rise again.

"I know, I know..." The lone girl cried over the chest of her beloved in the night, she cried for him, for her, for what once was and could have been. Tomoyo watched herself cry. Hands settled on her shoulders, gentle and warm. She leaned back against whoever was behind her, but stilled as she smelt the spicy scent of Lacoste.

Sirens resonated in the distance as paramedics finally arrived. But it was too late. In the morning, people would read about how there had been an accident, about how a man had stopped to help, and how, in turn, he had died, hit by another car. But there would not be anything about the loss, about the pain, about the void he left. No, that would be reserved for his widow.

.

.

.

Tomoyo woke up to the annoying ringing of both her phone and her cell phone simultaneously. She rolled over trying to ignore the persistent ringing but finally opened her eyes, sighing, and groggily answered the damn device.

"Hello?" Her greeting was rather rude but for once, she did not care. The bitter dream she had had about the night of the accident only had made the pain in her chest flare up anew. To be awake was to suffer. She needed the succor of the absence of feelings, of a dreamless sleep.

" Tomoyo?" Tomoyo winced as her best friend screeched her name in the phone. Damn the girl had a voice when she wanted to. She rolled over in her bed, bringing the blankets up to her chin.

"Something I could do for you Sakura?" She winced on how harsh her tone had been. Normally, she would have been polite or even cheerful in her reply, but her heart was still screaming in protest and her head pounding like the power card was walking through it. But, in the end, she did not want to hurt her friend's feelings. She wasn't one to call needlessly, she knew that.

"Where are you? I thought you would come tonight… You said you might and…" The woman trailed off, clearly disappointed at her absence. Tomoyo flopped back in bed, staring at the ceiling.

The party.

She had forgotten about the event. It had been so far in the back of her mind it had not even occurred to her it was this Friday. The thought of going to such an event made her slightly nauseous. She was suffering from lack of sleep and did not look forward to being surrounded by strangers, especially if some of them came to know her circumstances.

Yet, she would go, if only to make her friend happy and to reassure people she wasn't demented.

Yet.

"Alright, I'm coming Sakura." The other woman let out a cheerful laugh, thanking Tomoyo profusely. With a sigh, the heiress tossed her covers aside, shifting through potential outfits in her mind.

"Give me about half an hour. Is everyone there yet? Do you need me to pick up something?"

"No... Are you okay?" Sweet Sakura, always worrying about her friends. She sighed, knowing to lie. Again.

"I'm fine Sakura. I'll be there soon." Without waiting for her friend's reply, the black-haired woman hung up. Putting her head under her pillow, the beauty took a deep breath. A distinctly male scent reached her nostrils. Tomoyo scrambled to her feet looking around in a frenzy, eyes wide in fear.

God no.

She immediately went to her wardrobe, trying to appease her mind and ignore another one of her obvious hallucinations.

It was an hallucination.

It could be nothing else.

It was an hallucination.

Maybe if she said it often enough, she could convince herself.

She threw on a pair of skinny jeans and a flowing top, then picked up a few chunky bracelets.

The sent intensified, the smell cloying her, now impossible to ignore.

With growing urgency, she slapped on the barest of makeup. She picked up a gloss and paused.

"Jonathan?" Tomoyo felt the barest of touch on her cheek, like a cool breeze that swept on her skin and she gasped. She bolted out the bedroom and descended the stairs of her mansion, only pausing to take her purse and a pair of high-heeled sandals. She didn't bother putting them on. Still running, she slammed the door close behind her before the questioning stare of one of her maids and went to her car.

Her heart was pounding in her ears, the blood rushing in her veins singing like drums. Fear and pain brought a bitter taste to her mouth and a lump in her throat. She needed to escape, to get away. The woman jumped in her black convertible, throwing her purse and sandals on the passenger seat of the car. Her hand shook as she put her key in the ignition. She was gone in a cloud of smoke and the screeching of tires.

She took the curve of her driveway with a sharp turn, throwing white pebbles all over the grass of the mansion grounds.

Faster. She had to go faster.

She pushed the car to its limit, wanting to be like the wind, to escape from everything. She knew it would not matter in the end. Even when he wasn't there, or maybe when she wasn't hallucinating about him, he was haunting her mind, feeding of her fear of what would happen next. She turned sharply through the streets, the wind whipping her hair behind her like a black curtain. She was a shadow swerving between the cars honking at her in anger. She paid them no attention. She needed to get away before she choked on her pain and fear. Let her disappear with the wind. The prayer went unanswered.

All too soon, she was at Sakura's apartment, parking her car once again with the screeching of tires. She was there.

Her best friend's place.

With everyone.

She would play her part. This wasn't about her; this was about Touya coming back. Hoping she was presentable, she looked in the mirror. It wasn't so bad. It would have to do anyway, she thought as she applied some gloss on her lips, bending over in the same time to put on her sandals.

Well, let's get this party started she told herself.

End chapter.


	8. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura.

**Chapter 7**

The party was going well.

People were having fun and alcohol was flowing. Better yet, no one was bothering her. She had chatted with many individuals she had seen around before, but never really got to know. Thus, all of her conversations had been so far short and polite.

For most of the last two hours and a half she had sat, watching Touya's friends dancing and chatting, content with the statut quo. She did not mind blending in, being a wallflower. It was good to see some people happy, to see the joy in their eyes.

Most importantly, he seemed to be leaving her well alone too. Jonathan hadn't made himself known. Even so, she was not feeling so well. Lack of sleep and stress she reassured herself. Smiling slightly, she perused the room once again. Narrowed brown eyes caught her eyes and she flinched. She had not talked yet with Touya. In fact, she had clearly avoided the man, making sure to disappear whenever he managed to free himself from a group of friends to make his way towards her. She didn't feel like talking to him, not after their conversation about his past experiences with ghosts. She was sure he would ask new questions, that he would probe at her wounds. Not maliciously though; she knew he meant no harm.

She sighed. She guessed it was inevitable she would be forced to talk to him once more, she thought as she saw the man walking towards her.

"Hello Touya." She greeted him with a smile, one that didn't reach her eyes but was sincere enough in itself.

"Tomoyo. How are you?" She could see that he already knew her answer. Consequently, she could feel he was searching for something else as he asked that question. It was in the way he looked at her, the way he held her eyes and leaned closer.

"I'm doing fine. Thank you. And you?"

"It's good to be home, to be with my loved ones again." He had looked at her at the last part but she didn't make anything of it. She was some kind of distant friend to him, the best friend of his little sister. It was obvious he was watching her like a hawk, waiting for any sign of something out of order.

"Have you spent some of the evening with Yukito?"

"We caught up for a little while earlier." She looked at him in askance. Even thought they weren't a couple anymore, Touya and Yukito still talked and were still very good friends. What with Touya's long absence, she had thought that they would spend most of the evening together. She saw some people she didn't know wave Touya goodbye. He turned around for a second, exchanging a few friendly barbs with the departing males. She looked on with a small smile, amused at the display of male camaraderie.

Something tickled her neck, prompting her to scratch at the patch of skin, brushing away any fly-away strand of hair responsible for the sensation.

A warm breath ghosted over the exposed side of her neck.

She tensed.

Not now.

Not again.

Her hold tightened around her cup of wine, knuckles nearly turning white with the strain.

A new tickling sensation went down her arm to her hand, making the member twitch. A sudden wave of nausea passed over her.

Oh God.

She brought a hand up to her temple, massaging it in small circles. Slowly, the ever present pressure on her chest increased, making it difficult for her to breath. The fine hair on the back of her head stood on end.

Cold.

Oh so cold.

She shuddered, sloshing the red liquid in her glass, nearly dropping some on the ground.

"Are you alright?" The question brought her out of her turmoil. She nearly gasped as she focused her gaze on that of Touya, now very close to her own face. She grasped at the sudden chance to get away.

The pressure on her chest increased, making her head turn. She put a hand on the wall for balance, taking in a deep breath in order to calm herself and block out the noises of the room.

She had to get away before it became too unbearable.

She knew she was ever so slowly making her way towards fainting, and wanted to avoid the humiliation at all cost. She KNEW she would have to answer to questions she did not wish to answer to should this happen.

"I'm not feeling too well." The heiress said softly, giving the man standing in front of her a self-depreciating smile.

"It is probably only the wine. I think I better go home. " She grabbed her purse, pulling out her cellphone.

"I'll call a cab and pick up my car tomorrow. Thank you for inviting me to your welcome back party Touya, it was very enjoyable." She flipped open the lid of her cellphone to call but a warm hand closed over hers, stopping her. The sudden touch made her freeze. The bottom of her stomach dropped. How long had it been since she had felt the touch of a man, that she had known tenderness?

"I'll get you home." A sudden invisible blow to her stomach made her stagger. Wine sloshed on her pants, making her wince inwardly. Her joints suddenly started feeling swollen, hard to move.

She had to get away from Touya. It triggered the worst reaction from Jonathan. It was then that the pain increased, that everything became more…violent. She went to protest but he hushed her with narrowed eyes and a shake of his head.

"No need. I'll give you a ride. I need some fresh air anyway. Someone will bring your car to your home tomorrow." That being said, he turned around, searching the room for his keys.

"Sakura, I'm getting Tomoyo home then I'll be coming back…." She drowned out the rest of the siblings' conversation. It was becoming too hard to breath. She had to keep it together.

Another wave of nausea passed over her, saliva pooling in her mouth. God, she had to get away.

Now.

She was somehow aware of someone leading her outside and sitting her down in a car that certainly wasn't her own. Against her expectations, the sensations didn't diminish. On the contrary, every single bodily sensation increased tenfold.

Black spots appeared before her eyes. She knew she was going to lose consciousness.

A man was talking to her too.

Who?

Touya.

What the hell was he saying?

She could not understand a word.

Help me she wanted to scream. Consciousness was slipping through her grasp like sand.

A sudden surge of fear made her twist in her seat. Yes, she was afraid. She didn't know what was happening, what was going to happen to her.

She vaguely heard him talking to her, but she was soon lost in a hazy dream-like atmosphere.

.

.

.

Tomoyo opened her eyes slowly. She took in her surroundings confusedly.

Everything was a blur. She did not know how she came to be in this place, or even where "this" was.

All she could recall was this intense feeling of fear and pain. And now, she stood in a place where nothing existed, not even herself. It was nothingness. It was oblivion. It was nor darkness nor light. It simply was and wasn't at the same time. Everything was the same. There were no patterns, no motions, nothing.

Yet, she could hear something. There were noises. There were also shouts of joy and cries of pain. There were whispered prayers and moaned pleasures. The intensity of all this noise brought her down to her knees, hands over her ears as she gritted her teeth. She started singing, trying to concentrate on her own voice but she could not even hear it.

Tomoyo went on. It was the only way to retain her sanity. She had to keep singing, to hear herself so she could know that SHE existed.

Suddenly, all the voices started quieting down. Not quite so she realized. It was like someone was turning the volume down on a radio. She started hearing her own voice, a shaky voice singing about sorrow and pain.

A cold hand touched her shoulder and she flinched, falling on her hip from her earlier position. Letting out a shuddering sigh, she gathered the courage to open her eyes. She first saw two shining black shoes.

_No._

Her breath caught in her throat. She was hoping, no praying for it not to be real, for the person standing in front of her to be someone else. She didn't want to do this again. Even so, she knew she had to look up and did so, slowly following up the black slack covered legs, up and up to two dark blue colored eyes.

Fear and pain sized her heart. She fought against the urge to crawl back knowing he would follow her.

He watched her blankly.

She sat in her uncomfortable position, letting those eyes peer down at her soul. She clenched her teeth tightly on her lower lip, tasting blood. The sharp pain helped her focus, took her attention away from her emotional pain.

A hand suddenly appeared in front of her. The proffered appendage startled her, and she hesitated. She didn't dare touch it. She didn't want to feel the cold, to be reminded of what they had together, of what was happening now. She only wanted to wake up, a little girl having fallen asleep over a horror book and having dreamed of the story as her own.

"What do you want from me?" She rasped out. Pain laced her every words. How could it be different after everything that happened? Without her might, her body stood up as if pulled by invisible strings, even as she hung limp like a ragdoll. How was this possible? It was him she realized with fright. Jonathan was the one making her stand up. She hovered above the floor for a few seconds before being placed on her feet gently.

' I love you.' He suddenly appeared in front of her, nose nearly pressed against hers.

'I'll be there….We are together in this….together'. The words were whispered lowly, yet his lips didn't move. He brushed them against her in a light kiss.

'….We belong….together….TOGETHER'

Tormented blue eyes held hers with hidden meaning but before she could have a good look, her dead husband disappeared, leaving her frightened and confused. She had seen such pain in those eyes, such deep sadness and concern. It made her want all the more to curl up and cry. She licked her lips, and tasted blood. The voices started increasing in volume again, until all she could hear was a screaming mass that made her head want to explode.

.

.

.

Tomoyo woke up with a gasp, twisting against the hold of the seatbelt on her waist and chest. Too many times. She had awoken like this too many times. She felt cool leather on her cheek. Her head was pounding. She sat up, looking at her right. She was in front of the mansion but this was not her car. She directed her gaze towards the driver seat and met two concerned brown eyes. She startled at his proximity.

"Are you alright?" Touya scrutinized the newly awake woman with worry. He was not dupe. He had seen that she had barely drunk one glass of wine. Yet, she had fallen asleep, or maybe lost consciousness on his car seat. It would not have been so worrying if she had not started acting strangely in her sleep, twisting, biting on her lip until some blood welled up and moaning softly.

Her nod of reassurance did not convince him, Tomoyo noticed with some worry. He was starting to get too suspicious. She started inching slowly towards the car door, hoping that he would not see her. His next words, however, startled her more than a slap in the face would have.

"Tomoyo, don't lie. You fell unconscious in my car and started whimpering. Now, I could have believed it would have been a nightmare but you started acting like you were being tortured in your mind. What is happening to you?" He was truly concerned, more then he should anyway. The girl was only his little sister's friend, but he always had had a soft spot for her, even when she had been ten and him seventeen.

Tomyo felt her blood run cold at his words. She immediately started going through different excuses in her mind, trying to find the most plausible one. Once more, the feeling of pressure on her chest started to appear.

_Jonathan. _

She knew with sudden clarity that he was trying to get her away from Touya and now. He didn't want her to be there, with this man, and would ensure she left in any way possible. She had to get out of there. Her heart started pounding anew, her breathing quickening as she unbuckled her seatbelt.

_Now! _

Franticly, she started searching for the door handle and pushed with all her might. Touya watched her leap out of the car, startled by the sudden movement. He briskly walked out of the car and caught her by the waist, trying to subdue the struggling girl in his arms. She hit his arms with closed fists, trying to lurch forwards.

She had to get in her house, had to be alone, and quickly. It was becoming harder and harder to breath. Fear coursed through her body. What would happen this time if she could not escape from Touya? Would she go back to this place of nothingness and screaming voices? Would she become lost to so much in pain she would lose consciousness? Would she get hurt physically?

She felt two strong hands on her shoulders, cold hands with a vice like grip and was flung on the ground as another body was thrown against the car behind them. The black-haired woman quickly got on her feet, looking in horror at the brown haired man unconscious on the ground. Her hands muffled a whimper as she noticed his forehead bleeding. No, no, no, she chanted in her head. She took some staggering steps towards the motionless body and fell down on her knees.

"Touya?" Her broken whisper was more of a plea than a question. His eyelids fluttered open and she gasped, standing up quickly and starting to back up from him. It was starting to get too dangerous for people to get close to her now. Who knows what would happen next? Was it her fault? Was Jonathan angry because she was trying to find a way to stop him from haunting her anymore?

"I'm sorry." The heiress whimpered. With that, she ran to her mansion and closed the doors quickly, locking it. Turning around, she leaned back against it, hitting the back of her head on the hard wooden surface a few times. She closed her eyes and her shoulders slumped in defeat. She had had a burst of strength before, but now, now she was empty. She was so tired and weak inside. She slid down the door and sat on the ground, her arms around her knees, silent tears coursing down her cheeks.

She had been on a rollercoaster of emotions since Jonathan's death.

Pain. Sadness. Determination. Hope.

And now

Guilt.

Fear.

God help her…

.

.

.

She passed the next few days alone working at the library. Even though she had lost her determination, even though something inside of her had broken because of Touya's injuries, she tried to continue her research. Maybe she would understand what was happening and why. She knew Sakura was worried. The auburn-haired woman had called a few times, and she had had to lie to her. She hated to do so, but she need to be alone. As long as this was happening, it could be dangerous for any of her friends to be with her.

Enough. She had to work. All those books wouldn't read themselves. So far, all of what she had read had been useless, pretty much like all of her previous attempts at finding information.

Someone sat in front of her but she paid them no attention. Probably someone coming to read a book at the same table, that's all. The mysterious person cleared their throat and she looked up, her serene smile in place, ready to be polite to the stranger that wanted to talk to her. She was in no mood to humor a stranger, certainly not when she could feel _his_ presence in the background, not when she could feel his breath on her neck, his hands on her shoulders.

However, the person sitting in front of her was no stranger. Sharp brown eyes were perusing her from under black bangs. She gulped and looked away, trying to find an excuse for avoiding him, other than the obvious.

"Tomoyo" The deep voice sent shivers down her spine. The sound of his voice saying her name was, in some way, pleasant. However, the feeling soon became not so pleasant as she felt the slam of Jonathan presence becoming more tangible. Touya brought a hand to her chin, turning her gaze to his but she closed her eyes, refusing to see him, to see the healing gash on his forehead.

"Open your eyes and tell me what is happening." She didn't want to open them, but she did, she had to.

"Does it hurt? Your head I mean?" She added the last part at his confused look. She bit her lip as she waited for his reply. She felt a sharp tug at her heart. He had been trying to help her and because of it had gotten hurt. Seeing the swollen scab on his forehead merely reinforced her will to stay away from her close ones.

"Not as much as before. Now Tomoyo, will you answer me?" She felt a heavier weight settle on her shoulders and closed her eyes in sorrow. Once again, she would lie, lie to protect him, lie for the better. She had given some thoughts as to what she would tell him if it came to it. Now was the time to use the art of seeming instead of being that she had perfected while younger.

"I'm sorry. I. I was struggling and in my haste to get away, I caused you to fall on your car. I have to go. Excuse me, I... Have a nice day."

God, even to her own ears the excuse seemed farfetched and lame. Hastily, she got up and took some of the books and shoved them none too carefully in her handbag to walk swiftly away. As she got away from the dark haired man, the ever too painful feeling receded slightly and relief washed over her tense form

Touya watched her go, his eyes narrowed and a frown on his face. Once again, she had lied to him. Since he came back, he had felt something odd, maybe a little off about her, something that was not there before. Then, the accident on the night of his party had confirmed his suspicions. She was hiding something from him, from them, something that was hurting her. The thought made him wince. When she finally walked out of the place, he took a look at what had her so engrossed. He flipped the books and read the titles and summary. Ghosts. Unexplained phenomena. Magic. True stories of mystical beings.

End chapter


	9. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Card Captor Sakura

**Chapter 8**

Tomoyo sighed in frustration as she closed one of the books she had taken out of the library. She wanted to throw the damn thing across the room. It was another useless read.

Two weeks had now passed since the events of the party, and things had worsened, just as she had predicted. She could now feel Jonathan's arms come around her when she talked with Sakura. She could feel him kiss her shoulder when she took a shower, her forehead pressed again the cold tiles as warm water cascaded down her back and face, mingling with her tears. He was there when anyone came to talk to her, a force pressing against her, trying to get her to back away, suffocating her until she finally told the person off or left him or her standing there. She was becoming paranoid. She would turn around on the street, as if feeling someone following her, watching her with a burning gaze.

She wanted to scream. She was a nervous wreck. She was… she was…haunted, haunted by him, by his face, his body, his touch, his voice, by everything that had made her love him. Sometimes, she thought she would go insane. The people around her were not helping much either. She could see the pity in their eyes. She could hear the whispering behind her back.

"_Poor thing, her husband died one month after their wedding."_

"_Look at her, she's barely holding on. It's a pity she had to lose happiness so soon after having found it."_

"_Maybe one day she will be able to move on. Maybe she will find the strength to live again. As it is, she'll be joining him soon."_

"_What's happening to her? The look in her eyes…The way she acts…She's loosing it, I'm telling you…"_

They didn't know, didn't understand. Pain was eating at her heart, true; however, she could not grieve, could not let him go. He was always there. They didn't see him, didn't feel him. They only thought she was not strong enough to live on, to let him go. Nobody else saw something, even Sakura and Touya. They didn't feel him. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe it was inside her head after all. Maybe she was the one that couldn't let him go. Maybe she was trying to keep him here, with her, unconsciously. But it was all too real. She couldn't be making this up; it was not like her. She didn't bring people back from the dead when she lost them.

Anger crept in her heart. Let them go to hell! If they didn't help her, she would discover the truth alone. If they didn't believe her, she would find the proof she needed. She didn't need them. She would find the way alone, no matter the cost, no matter the risks. She had to. She had to restore what she had lost; she would find a way to let Jonathan be dead, forever. Maybe then she could grieve his death as she should have, as she could have. Maybe then, she could be happy once more.

When she was near people, the urge to get away because of the pain and nausea became so great she felt like she was dying. It put her on edge. He made her feel bad when people were near, maybe because he thought that they would be able to sense him, who knows?

And thus, a week ago, she had told her sweet Sakura that she was working on a new project. She had been vague enough and Sakura had concluded she was designing a new collection. The news had made her happy, as if it were a sign she was finally healing.

God, it hurt her to see such thrust and joy in her dear friend's eyes when she was lying. It made her feel guilty. Everyone else was told the same thing. One of them, however didn't seem to believe her.

Touya.

He had even come to the mansion, which had been a disaster. And yet…

.

.

.

"Enter." She called out softly. The maid poked her head in the room, bowing politely.

"You have a visitor, Tomoyo-san." She sighed and nodded, prompting the older woman to continue.

"Kinomoto-san is here to see you."

"Sakura?" She called out questioningly. It was unusual for the maid to announce her friend, who was well known by now by the staff. None of them had been able to resist her sunny disposition, and it seems they had all fallen under her charm. As such, she came and went as needed in the mansion.

"No mistress Tomoyo. It is Touya Kinomoto." Tomoyo sighed, closing her eyes.

Of course.

She should have known the man would pursue her even in her home. He had never been one to let himself be turned around easily.

"Tell him I am unable to see him today. I am unwell." The maid bowed, preparing to leave. The door opened wide suddenly, startling both the maid and the young heiress. Touya strode in confidently and nodding to the maid, closed the door in her face as she looked on, speechless.

Her surprise didn't last long however, as she started knocking on the door.

"I am calling security, young mistress." Tomoyo dropped her head forwards and closed her eyes, biting back a cry of frustration.

"No Ari, there is no need. I will meet Touya-san in my room. Thank you." There was no reply. She turned her gaze to the man standing in her room and flinched as she noticed him scrutinizing her. Biting her lip, she gestured her guest to sit. To her surprise, he moved forwards and sat at the end of her bed. The dark-haired woman fought the urge to fidget, off-balance in the new developments.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit, Touya-san?" She inquired politely.

"What is going on Tomoyo?" He asked her, slouching to catch her eyes. Her breath caught in her throat and she suddenly felt lightheaded. Her hands formed claws around her comforter as she tried to form an answer, to no available. How could she answer?

"I am simply feeling unwell Touya-san." He made a rude noise in the back of his throat, shaking his head.

"Tomoyo…" He sighed. "You know what I mean. Something is going on with you, something more than you grieving or feeling unwell." Her heartbeat quickened, every fight or flight instincts kicking in instantly.

"Whatever do you mean?" He regarded her with obvious frustration as she waited with batted breath. She needed him to drop the issue. How could he understand? She didn't understand herself.

"Tomoyo…" He closed his eyes. She watched him, trying to breathe in deeply to calm her racing heart. The smell of Lacoste surrounding her made her startle. She chocked on her saliva and started coughing, trying to dislodge the liquid from her pipes. Warm hands stroked her back and pulled her hair over her shoulders as she bent over slightly to recover some well needed oxygen. She froze under the touch, looking at her lap, unable to think. A fist closed around her heart as her stomach tightened, and she felt cold fingers touch her jaw. The dual sensations of warm hands and cold fingers made her recoil from both touches. Tomoyo flattened herself against her headboard under the surprised gaze of Touya.

The young man moved back, putting his hands up in a placating gesture, but did not leave, instead calling her name gently.

The coldness spread from her jaw to her neck, down her chest, her stomach, her hips, her legs, until goosebumps appeared on her flesh. She shuddered, then breathed out shakily, and was surprised to see that her breath did not create a small white cloud.

So cold. She was so cold.

Touya moved forwards slightly, reaching out to for her hand as he saw her shiver. He made the move as non threatening as possible. She seemed scared of being touched, for reasons he did not understand. But in the end, he was worried. She had seem relatively healthy when he had come in the room, a few minutes ago, but now her gaze was bright, her cheeks rosy. He touched her hand gently. Her skin was warm and damp. A sudden ache appeared in his chest, and he bent forwards, touching his hand to her forehead even amidst her whimpered protests.

Tomoyo felt the touch and tried to bat it away, but her limbs felt too heavy. Her head started swimming, her thoughts process slowing down until she felt she was trying to walk through a sea of cotton. Dots appeared in front of her eyes as she felt someone shake her shoulder gently. Then she knew no more.

Touya looked down at the woman in the bed. She was burning up, and seemed to have lost consciousness. He reached forwards, brushing her hair from her forehead and talking to her gently, trying to wake her up. She was unresponsive. Touya ran his hands down his face. He hadn't thought she was telling the truth when she had said she was unwell, but it seems she had been truthful. Nonetheless, her state was worrying. Her fever seemed high, and she had passed out suddenly.

Touya felt the bed move and took his hands away from his face. He gasped silently as he took in the form of the shaking and twitching woman.

"Fuck! Tomoyo!" He finally cried out, immediately taking her in his arms and nearly running to the adjoining bathroom. Not bothering to undress the young woman, he turned the shower dials to the cold setting and got in the stall with her in his arms. He carefully propped her up against his chest and into the way of the spray. The cold water beat against her back and head, socking both of them.

"Tomoyo…" He whispered gently, pushing wet strands of hair away from her face as she stopped twitching and shaking. Her skin cooled down progressively as he stayed with her in the ice cold spray, even as he started shivering himself.

The young woman woke up with a shudder, sputtering slightly as water entered her eyes and mouth. Her eyes met warm brown ones, making her recoil in surprise. Strong arms tightened around her form gently, pressing her against a cold wet chest. Tomoyo grasped the shirt of the man in front of her, leaning her head in the crook of his neck as she fought to understand where she was.

"It's okay, Tomoyo. I've got you, honey." Warm hands caressed her back, making her huddle closer to the man holding her. For a moment, she let herself soak in the concern and the love he was showing her. For a moment, she allowed herself to drift in and out of consciousness. Yet, the moment passed as she gained her bearing.

_Jonathan_.

The name echoed in her head with a clap of thunder, making her fight the hold of the man caring for her. He loosened his embrace and leaned back, trying to catch her eyes.

"Tomoyo… are you okay? Do you know where you are?" She pushed him away quickly, nearly making him fall, and turned to move the dials until the cold flow of water stopped hitting her body. Her wet nightgown clung to her form, making her shiver.

"What happened?" She whispered lowly, reaching for towels and avoiding Touya's gaze studiously as she gave him one. He reached out for her, turning her form gently until she faced him, now wrapped in a long fluffy towel.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen Tomoyo. I didn't know you were feeling that unwell." She nodded softly, immediately concealing her surprise.

"You started convulsing from the fever. I brought you here to bring your temperature down." She made her way to her room slowly, dazed at his words.

Had Jonathan done this to her?

"Tomoyo…" The young man followed her in her room, looking on concernedly as she sat down on her bed, looking at the floor with glazed over eyes.

"You should go, Touya… I… I need rest…Ask the maid for a change of clothes…" She mumbled. He nodded, but still moved towards her. She tensed, unsure of his intentions. He brushed his fingertips on her cheek and moved a strand of wet hair behind her ear, nodding to himself.

"We'll talk again later…" And with those words, he left her alone.

.

.

.

And thus she had not seen him since their meeting. It had been a disaster. Oh but her secret had been well guarded. No, the disaster was not about her secret, but about how she had lost consciousness. She needed to be free. She knew that things could not last. They were becoming worse as each day went by.

As for Touya, he called everyday and every time she made her maid tell him that she could not talk to him, that she was gone, that she was asleep…Anything not to talk to him. She knew she owed him an explanation, but she could not get herself to talk to him.

"Tomoyo?" The young heiress looked up from her reading material sharply at the muffled sound of her name being called.

"Tomoyo?" The door handle started turning. Panicking, she shoved all of her books under her comforter, trying to hide the evidence of her search from her mother. She knew the woman was a very no-nonsense type of person, and would be worried and upset to see her daughter indulging in such "stupidity".

The woman entered the room briskly just as Tomoyo smoothed her comforter over her lap. She watched as the older woman sat down on the bed, smoothing her skirt over her legs before clasping her hands in her lap. Tomoyo recognized it as one of her mother's business pose.

"The maids have told me you have not come out of your room for nearly two weeks now." Sonomi's gaze bore into her own, serious, but also worried.

"I have been feeling sick." Her mother perused her form slowly.

"You seem well now. The doctor said that they found nothing wrong with you. You should be up and about." She gestured with one hand sharply. Tomoyo knew her mother abhorred people doing nothing. There had been a reason why she had had such an active childhood.

Tomoyo shrugged, unsure what to answer.

"Tomoyo…" Her mother's blackberry rang. She gave Tomoyo a regretful look, and answered, barking orders to one of her assistants. She got up from the bed, but before leaving, turned around, covered the mouthpiece.

"Oh and Tomoyo, you have an appointment with Dr Rosenberg tomorrow. You haven't gone in a while now and I want you to continue to see the Doctor once a week until you are better." Tomoyo opened her mouth, ready to dispute the issue.

"No discussion." The older woman snapped. Tomoyo sighed.

.

.

.

Tomoyo was still avoiding him and he was starting to get annoyed.

Why was she still doing this?

Fear.

His gut told him it could only be fear.

Even if Touya didn't have his powers anymore, he still had good gut instincts and every time she was near him, he felt something tingling in the back of his mind.. He had watched, and he had noticed things.

He had looked at her, really looked. She was not the same as before. Each time she was near people, there seemed to be an aura of fear and pain around her. She was starting to walk with her shoulders hunched over. The Tomoyo he had known had always stood with her head held high and her back strait.

No, she was not the same, not at all. Only abuse could make her like this.

Abuse.

Physically? She didn't bear any marks on her body, not any that could be seen anyway.

Emotionnally? Maybe.

Mentally? Probably.

But who was hurting her so? He didn't know all of her friends but Tomoyo wasn't one to let people hold her down. The thought that someone could hurt her so much made him angry. It was normal. After all, she was his little sister's best friend. He had seen her grow up, had considered her as another little sister for some time.

Of course, she had grown into a beautiful woman. Touya wasn't blind. She had milky white skin that looked soft and long wavy black hair cascading down her back. Her eyes were a deep purple, surrounded by thick black lashes. She was tall enough and curvaceous.

She was not a child anymore.

Yes, he had noticed her. He had noticed her pain when he saw her at the cemetery, her beauty when she had sat, watching his guests at his party, and her vulnerability as he held her in the shower.

He felt some physical attraction towards her, there were no doubts. She was a desirable woman.

Was he starting to get infatuated with her? There were possibilities. She was smart and kind. He had surprised himself with how concerned he had been at seeing her in pain, and then again at seeing her sick. He had been surprised as well at how angry he had been at the thought of her being abused by any one. And thus, he knew he already cared.

It would not be hard to get closer to her, to fall for her, if only she let him.

…

The sudden knock on her bedroom door startled Tomoyo. She had been awake since four in the morning, unable to sleep with the recurrent dreams she had been having about Jonathan. Thus, the sudden arrival of an uninvited guest did annoy her. She had asked her maids not to let anyone in. She felt like someone kicked her in the stomach and gasped.

No.

She didn't want to see anyone, furthermore someone who had magic. It was dangerous for them and painful for her. But, she had no choice. The person on the other side of her bedroom door was not going away. She opened the door slightly and was engulfed in pink covered arms. She felt her best friend hold her tightly, hugging her with all her might. It nearly brought tears to her eyes. The dark-haired woman returned the hug tightly too, breathing in a big whiff of cherry blossom perfume.

Heaven.

Being in her friend's arms felt like heaven. For one moment, she could forget all about Jonathan, her duties, her pain. For one moment, she was ten again.

Sakura was the one to break the hug, her usual smile in place. However, this time, it was sunnier, more cheerful, if that was even possible.

"He's coming back Tomoyo, he's coming here!" Sakura nearly shouted the last part, joy and excitement apparent on her face. Tomoyo felt a slow smile appear on her face at her best friend's luck and happiness. The little wolf was coming back to claim his cherry blossom then.

"When?"

"Today! Today! I have to go get him at the airport at two!"

"I'm so happy for you Sakura" And she was truly happy. Sakura had not been exactly the same in Syaoran's absence. Tomoyo had heard the longing in her voice, had seen the far away looks.

"Well then, we must get you ready now, don't we?"

"But Tomoyo, what about your fashion collection, the one you are drawing?" Oh, she had forgotten about that. Another lie she had made up.

"No matter, I have not had any good idea for a while anyway. Now, let's make sure he will stop breathing when he sees you!"

"Hoe?" Tomoyo laughed a little, one that wasn't as hollow as her laugh had become. It felt good to be with her friend again. Sweet naïve Sakura. She would never again distance herself from her like she did. Never. It had hurt her more to do so than it had done her some good. The pain had receded slightly she noted. She filled away the information for later.

End Chapter

So, the story is close to coming to an end. I have totally lost interest in this story, but am forcing myself to finish it. It will be shorter than planned as a result, but I'll try to make it good!


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